Amaretto
at the ready
A case of 3-2 beer
always in the fridge
Part of our grocery money
every other week
blown at the liquor store
She’s gone
And here I am
at 37
Trying to figure it out
As a daughter, it hurts
As a mom, it pisses me off
But I never got a chance to ask her…
Why?
As a daughter, I think…Was it me? Was I so bad I caused her to drink?
As a mom, I think…What hurts were so bad they caused her to neglect her kids
and drink?
I have my clues, my family rumors, but I will never know…
The answer
* * *
Author’s note: From previous posts, you probably know my mom died in a car accident when I was 14. That is why I will never have answers. This poem came to me this weekend as I was lying in our pop-up camper, listening in the darkness to my baby boy’s and my husband’s gentle breaths as they slept. I thought of how thankful I am for all I have and wondered why my mom didn’t feel the same way about her life and children.
Linked to One Shot Wednesday. Have a poem on YOUR heart? Head on over there.
30 comments:
I want to hug you.
your love reaches out to her in your questions--takes courage--blessings-c
perhaps it is best not to know those answers...though the questions can be rather haunting...all we can is try to do it better...nice one shot.
We always have unanswered questions when I parents move on. Thank you for sharing this with us.
::hugs::
it is hard when we don't understand our parents inner demons - my mother had hers...and I was determined to raise my children without them...and I did...all we have is today and you have those beautiful babies who love you...blessings...bkm
I want to hug you too.
I always love when you share and make yourself vulnerable like this. Your honesty always touches me.
You have all the answers that you need under your roof...
Thanks for sharing your thoughts...
I have questions about my father too that will never be answered but I also have theories based on stories from the past and also on present day knowledge. My father, I believe turned to alcohol to drown out what was going on in his head. I believe he had a mental illness & was self medicating. His mother suffered from a mental illness when he was a child and now my son also suffers from a mental illness. I used to hate my father for what he did but as I've aged and experienced life & seen how my son has suffered, I now think differently. This may not be your mothers story but I like to believe that at the core we are all good people & it seems your mother was terribly lost and made a lot of bad choices.
Your poem speaks loudly to me & I feel your pain. I know you will never make these kind of mistakes because the love you have for your little boys radiates from your words like strong beams of sunlight.
**hugs**
I love how you use your words. Sorry about the pain.
You are breaking the cycle. Think about what you are doing for your boys. They will not know the pain you did. Your strength and love for your family is beautiful.
A wonderful poem, CM.
I have a feeling (of course I don't know for sure) that she loved you so very much. She had a disease that held her in its clutches. It seems it won, but I doubt that she wanted it to win.
So sorry you had to suffer.
Teresa
Oh, girl. I am praying you find peace with this. Blessings.
((you))
Some questions I really believe we arent meant to know the answers to. I so can relate to alot of your family post and have very similar questions. All we can do is try our best to overcome and love our babies like we wanted to be loved ourselves.
Thank u so much for sharing
But you here to ask the question, and there's beauty in those painful words.
Sometimes people act as foils to show us how NOT to be... and as unintentional as it may have been, she taught you a great lesson.
(Learn from the mistakes of others, I always say)
Thank you for sharing this very personal work, CM.
i think it's not important to know the answer - but it's important to not think that you might have something to do with it (even if you had behaved in a way to cause someone to do something) the last decision of how to react to sth is not our responsibility - hope you got what i wanted to say..
my father always blamed everything and everyone for making him what he was (drinking as well) but that's just not true - he could have faced reality in a different way...
It is so hard when drinking exists in a family. I am so sorry you had to grow with it.
hugs
Sorry to hear about what happened. Your poem expresses that tendency, especially when young, to blame yourself while not being fully aware of others' problems. Nice of you to share this personal poem.
Touching and heart wrenching. I am so sorry that you had to know that kind of pain, but also a bit awed that you've risen above it to become the phenomenal mother, wife, career woman, and person that you are.
oh friend... i ache with you. you write beauty through your pain...
This poem is amazing. I can't even imagine what you went through when you were younger and the questions and pain you still have. You really got it all across(how you felt and now feel) it seems in this...you really do have a way with words. I wonder if this is a good type of therapy and maybe more of us should try this.
Thanks everyone for your supportive comments. I find writing about my experiences helps others to write about theirs.
This is all a part of my story and what has made me who I am today. Thank you again for reading my ramblings and musings.
Didnt know my mom was an alcoholic until I lived with a friend whose mum was one. Then it all clicked.
ever need a friend to just download I"m at moondustwriter@gmail.com
I love the fact that poetry is a means to express many things. You needed to express unspoken words
Moon hugs my dear
Life would be so much simpler if we had the answers to everything, wouldn't it?
But it's the wondering and questioning and searching that help us to grow.
I'm very glad that you broke the cycle and live a happy and fulfilling life. Big hugs to you!
i know. i sometimes wonder when i look at my kids how/why mom did certain things when i was little. selfishness. hurt. pain. but, the good thing is that we can break the cycle and be great mama's to our monkeys!!! :)
thanks for sharing! :)
I truly doubt it was you that caused it. Thank you for being so willing to share.
I understand.
((hugs))
i wish i could say the right thing but i am lost for words....a tragic piece and i can understand why you have so many questions needing answers...take care..pete
Thank you for sharing this and speaking it so clearly and well. I appreciate the use to which you put the poem. - bill
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